BY MYSTIQ REFLECTIVE HEALING
MIND, BODY AND SOUL:
Fights, arguments, anger, and frustration are common things that are bound to happen in any relationship, in fact it is said that non argument can be a sign of unhealthy, secretive relationship. But sometimes in an argument we tend to lose the control we have and behave in a disrespectful, toxic way which we later regret. That is the time when you should stay calm and control your anger. However, there are some ways to stay calm that lead to a productive argument.
Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse might be just the key to marital happiness.
Think about it, how many of us have been in a knock-down drag-out with our spouse that got us absolutely nowhere? Both of us yelling and screaming and throwing out accusations and blame.
How productive do you find those fights? Not at all, I am guessing. How do they work for your marriage? Not well, I am guessing. There are ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse. Knowing them, and putting them into action, will help your arguments be more productive and hopefully prevent you needing to hash things out over and over and over.
Here are 5 tried and true ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse.
1. Take deep breaths.
Cliché? Yes we know but taking deep breaths is an essential part of managing any stressful situation.When we are stressed out, our body goes into fight or flight mode. When that happens, our blood goes to our adrenal system, away from our brain, and our ability to think clearly is clouded. To counteract this cloudiness, take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath will bring some of that blood back to your brain, allowing you to think more clearly and to stay calm.
Picture yourself on the highway, trying to pass a horse and trailer. We guessing that you, would be gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, holding your breath as you do so. We have discovered that, if you take a deep breath as you pass, your heart stops pounding and you would loosen the grip on the wheel and sail by the truck unscathed. Try it – you will see the power of your imagination. So, as you work to stay calm during an argument with your spouse, remember to take deep breaths. It will make a huge difference.
2. Step back but don’t storm out.
During our meditation sessions, we reflect on everything that someone has done to us be it before or after we react, take 2 hours and see if it is still an issue. If you find that it still is, talk to the person about it. And if you do, you will find yourself calmer than you might have if you had gotten into it right away.
Sometimes it’s impossible to take 2 hours before you address an issue with your spouse but the key here is to take a step back to calm down and to reassess. Don’t storm off in a huff but hit the pause button, go walk the dog and consider next steps. Does the issue warrant a huge fight? What is your role in all of this? Will having a show down really change anything or would a conversation be more productive? So, take some time before you flip out. You will be happy you did.
3. Don’t take things personally.
For many of us, when we are having an argument with our spouse, we tend to take what they are saying personally, as if their words were a personal attack on who we are as a person. And when we are attacked, we tend to go on the defensive and lose our cool. No one wants to be attacked as a person, after all. When you are arguing with your spouse and your mind starts to go there, to take things personally, step back and see if that is what your partner is really saying. Are they really blaming and judging you for what is happening or are they frustrated and angry and sharing those feelings but not making it all about you? If you can recognize that what your partner is saying isn’t a personal attack, it will help you stay calm at the moment.
4. Don’t hold onto soundbites.
You know when you and your spouse are going at it and someone says something that is stupid and thoughtless. Something that perhaps they didn’t mean but they said it in the heat of the moment. Something that you zero in on as a weapon in the fight going forward. Holding onto things that are said in the heat of the moment will only cause you to spiral to a dark place.
Imagine if you are in a fight with your spouse and you say something like ‘You always do this. It’s always about you.’ While you might mean this sentiment, that you feel like your husband/wife prioritizes themselves over you.
So, instead of the fight being about his priorities and making attempts to make a change, it spirals into one about how horrible your words are. Which will get you nowhere. So, make an effort to let go of the sound bites. I am guessing that you didn’t truly mean to belittle your spouse, but, unless your partner can let those words go, the fight will devolve into being about them completely.
5. Don’t raise your voice.
Finally, an essential part of how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is working to not raise your voice. When we yell, our body chemistry changes. Our emotional brain takes over, our stress reaction is stimulated and our fight or flight instincts comes rushing in. And when this happens, all hell can break loose. Instead of yelling, we would encourage you to take those deep breaths and to step away so that you can regain your composure. If you continue to yell, not only will your partner be in high alert mode and be unable to hear your words but they might shut down completely and go silent. Both of those things will get you nowhere. If you can work hard to keep yourself from yelling it will help your argument not become a screaming mess where nothing gets worked out. Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is a key to keeping the disagreements productive so that they don’t have to happen again and again and again.
We know that you can do this. We all can make a change with awareness. Now that you have it you are ready to start making those disagreements productive and make real change in your relationship.
